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Warning signs indicate abusive relationships, abusers
by Sarah Fortney
News-Post Staff
sfortney@fredericknewspost.com
Are you in an abusive relationship? Or, are you the abuser?
Though warning signs often indicate whether someone is being abused -- both physically and emotionally -- identifying someone who is an abuser is much more difficult, according to local advocates against domestic violence.
A victim of domestic violence often shows drastic, but not always sudden, changes in their normal behavior, said Michaele Cohen, executive director of the Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence.
Becoming isolated is a key indicator someone might be in an abusive relationship, Cohen said. The abuser's main goal is maintaining control, whether that means making a person wear certain clothes or cutting off his or her financial independence.
"A lot of this is not always physical, it's often verbal, saying 'you're stupid, 'you're fat,' 'you don't take care of the kids,'" Cohen said. "Those are often not recognized."
Verbal abuse can sometimes be a precursor to an escalation of violence, she said.
An abuser might not have to lay a hand on the victim if he or she can use threats to intimidate by saying, for example, "I'm not going to hurt you, but I may hurt your pet," Cohen said. "It's that very controlling, critical behavior."
Abusers might repeatedly call a victim's workplace, she said, asking where they are. A victim might also tell a co-worker their partner is jealous or abusive.
Victims might also try to cover bruises by wearing sweaters or long-sleeved shirts, which might seem unusual and more noticeable during summer months, Cohen said.
Barbara Martin, CEO of Heartly House, Inc., said a red flag should go up when someone becomes increasingly anxious and driven to perfection.
"Obviously, these are not always signs of domestic violence," Martin said.
What is important to look for is when such behaviors continue to increase, she said. A person is not necessarily in a dangerous relationship if that person normally exhibits those behaviors.
"It's not like a checklist," Cohen said.
Identifying an abuser is even more difficult, she said, because he or she often limits controlling and abusive behavior to when he or she is at home.
An abuser might be more manipulative toward others at work, Cohen said, but that is not an easy way to tell.
The abuser will often put up a charismatic front, which can be deceitful, especially in court when a victim is testifying against him or her, she said.
"Are you quick to temper? Do you allow your partner to make their own decisions?" Cohen suggests asking those who might be victimizing his or her loved one. "Are you very critical and demanding?"
Someone who is victimizing their partner might also believe what he or she does is justified, often because they live by "traditional roles," Cohen said.
"Abusers tend not to recognize themselves."
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Domestic violence warning signs
If you answer yes to any of these questions, you might
be an abuser.
- Do you have a history of violence in your family?
- Do you have a history of getting into frequent fights with others?
- Have you ever been violent toward former partners?
- Do you take pride in your partner's achievements, but view their accomplishments as threatening?
- Do you resent your partner for having friends of his or her own?
- Do you control your partner's friendships?
- Do you threaten to harm your partner's friends if he or she continues seeing them, or if his or her friends try to offer help?
- Do you get upset when your partner does things without your permission, or when he or she rejects your presumed authority?
- When you have a disagreement with your partner, do you always have to "win" the argument?
- Do you often berate your partner, even in front of others, to feel superior?
- Have you ever forced your partner into having sex against his or her will?
- Do you become verbally and/or physically abusive under the influence of alcohol?
- Have you ever hit, pushed or shown violent outbursts toward your partner?
- Do you threaten violence toward your partner or yourself to make him or her stay in the relationship?
Answer yes to any of the following questions and you may be available for protection under the law.
- Have you been physically injured in any way by your spouse? Former spouse? An intimate partner who you live with or have lived with? Someone you share a child with? Or someone related to you by blood, marriage or adoption? (Note: if you are in violent dating relationship, but not living with your abuser, you may be able to get a peace order.)
- Are you living in fear that you or someone else, even your pets, will be physically injured by this person?
- Has this person touched you, threatened to touch you, in any way you didn't like or allow? Examples of this include shoving, kicking, slapping, choking, or hitting you with an object.
- Has this person touched you or threatened to touch you sexually in a way you didn't like or allow? Has this person raped or threatened to rape you? In Maryland, a husband can be convicted of raping his wife.
- Has this person thrown or destroyed any property, i.e. punched walls, broken furniture or glass, in a way that made you fear for your safety or the safety of others?
- Has this person held you somewhere against your will (false imprisonment)?
What is domestic violence?
- Domestic violence is the misuse of power and control in relationships. It can be physical, verbal, sexual or emotional.
- Physical abuse might include pushing, spitting, pinching, punching, slapping, beating, kicking or choking.
- Verbal abuse might include criticism and name-calling, threatening suicide or future violence and/or threatening to take the children.
- Controlling friendships and/or finances and intimidation with weapons, reckless driving or locking the victim out of the house.
- Emotional abuse can include demeaning or putting a person down, withholding affection, abusing the family pet, criticizing or making fun of the person's beliefs or needs.
- Domestic violence also includes forced sexual activity of any kind, including forcing sex, demanding sexual acts and forcing the victim to watch or participate in pornographic activities.
- Physically trapping someone somewhere, such as not allowing the person to leave the home or vehicle, is also considered abusive.
Information provided by Heartly House, Inc.
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