R.I.P. J.D. Salinger. I fell in love with Holden Caulfield in the 10th grade, and never looked back. You are an inspiration to writers, except for that whole shut-in thing.
Am I the only one who wasn't charmed by "Life UneXpected?"
I get as excited about an intriguing pilot as the next TV junkie, especially ones [unfairly] compared to one of my all-time favorite programs. But "
LUX" certainly does not = "Gilmore Girls" + "Juno" (which never did it for me in the first place).
"Life UneXpected" (yes, the X is meant to be capitalized, marking the letters in the main character's names, and yes, it is as corny as it sounds) follows a 16-year-old girl who is on a mission of emancipation from foster care, but needs a little help from her long-lost birth parents — a
radio talk jock who got knocked up in high school and a
30-year-old teenager who lives above his bar (I was hoping beer pong got old after college; apparently not).
Problem 1: A girl shows up at your door. She claims to be "
your daughter." You never knew you'd even fathered a child. You casually allow her into your home? You introduce her to your girlfriend? You don't worry that she could be a trained serial killer who has been sent on a drug mission to bring your decapitated head back to her mob boss?
Clearly the only logical thing to do is watch YouTube videos and scarf down nachos.
Problem 2: This show pulls out every clichéd stop. I am pretty sure Ryan's "I love that you…" proposal speech was the first draft of the "When Harry Met Sally"
script.
Problem 3: Lux has a hole in her heart (that serves as the lame excuse for her never being adopted). Yes, a missing piece in the organ that keeps her alive. They couldn't mean for that to have a double meaning, right? Nah, that would be too saccharine. I'm already choking on the syrupy show; please don't give me any more reason to want to vomit.
Which leads me directly into Problem 4: Lux. Baze. Math. Bug. Fern. Does someone actually get paid to rifle through Gwyneth Paltrow's list of discarded baby names to label the show's characters? I would not be opposed to earning a living that way.
At least [Cate's fiancé]
Ryan is normal … A little too normal, really. He proposes, gets jabbed in the arm (my personal weapon of choice), and brushes off his love's crazy like a pat of dirt. The man has no problem with his fiancé bringing an out-of-the-blue teenager into their lives. Who are you, and why don't you exist in the real world?
The "Juno" complex needs a break: Lux, interrupting her birth parents' fight outside of the courthouse, where the teen was put into their temporary joint custody: "It was high school. Get over it. I did, and I'm still in it." I'm trying so hard to keep tonight's tacos down.
The one perk of "Life UneXpected": The music. So far, they've utilized
The Weepies (my loves), Regina Spektor and Ben Lee. Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout. And I am so calling Lux out on not knowing the Spin Doctors. Most 16-year-olds know the '90s band, especially kids who think they're hip 20-somethings.
Cornball quote alert (again): "The only thing between us is the lingering smell of your Axe body spray."
Sure, I'll keep watching, mostly to see what I hate about each new episode. But I didn't like "Mad Men" when it premiered, and now it's a Golden Globe baby. I'm not saying "LUX" will ever step near a red carpet, but it doesn't conflict with anything else on my DVR, so, why not.
(See for yourself: "Life UneXpected" @ 9 p.m. Mondays on The CW.)
P.S. — Calling all vampire lovers. And I mean all. I'm looking for anyone , 10 to 100, who has a thing for vampires: Edward Cullen, Bill Compton, Angel, Count Chocula, Count von Count, Dracula, Barnabas Collins, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise as pale 18th century bloodsuckers. Just in time for Valentine's Day, I want to know why vampires make people tick, and why the pasty look is so hot.
Feel free to call (240.215.8646) or e-mail (smlot@newspost.com) any time before Feb. 9.
