She gets it honestly.

It's no secret that I live my life with many vices.

I smoke cigarettes when I'm stressed out, need to calm down, or simply enjoy my coffee a little bit more.

I drink when I need to escape, when I need to forget, loosen up or avoid things I don't feel like dealing with.

For those of you who do not know, there was a time in my life that I was a heavy, heavy drinker. I mean, heavy. Issys sperm donor and I we're two peas in a pod. But, it got to the point that I realized one of us had to stop. So, one day I did just that. I stopped. I didn't have even a sip of booze for a little over three years. I spent my 21st birthday sitting around my apartment with a group of friends. No booze involved.

After breaking up with Issys bio dad, and starting a new life I thought it'd be a good time to start drinking again. And for the most part have been able to control myself. I do enjoy a good beer though. But even more than that, I enjoy a good five beers. Despite my ability to control myself better, there are times when I fall back into that, drink to get drunk mode. And right now, it's not a healthy mode for me to be in.

I wouldn't say by any means am I out of control. I'm not. In fact, I feel more in control than I've ever been. So, why not control something else and step away from the drinking once again?

I pride myself on being able to cut out things that are unhealthy for me. (Aside from the cigarettes, they've got me hooked and I'm not afraid to admit that.) But, in most other cases I've always been able to see that line, and make sure to shut myself down before I cross it.

But more to the point, I feel like I'm going through so much with my marriage, and my life in general that the last thing I need is another distraction from the objective at hand.

So, I'll once again walk away. That way, I know that the choices I am making are ones that were made with a clear head, and a clear heart. That the feelings that I am feeling are real, and not Shock-Top induced by any means.

Along with no longer drinking, I am making the choice to no longer leave my house. I've spent the last month hanging out with a group of girls, and boy did we have fun. I mean, a lot of fun. But, the situation was one that I don't want to find myself in again. I'm not the girl that goes to the bar twice a week. I'm not. I'm not the girl that has bar "buddies". I don't want to know the name of the security guard at the door, and have him already know I'm 21 and my table waiting. That's not who I am. It makes me uncomfortable this idea of being a "regular". I'm not a regular. It got to the point where, all I wanted to do was go out. Run away. Be someone else for a night. And, that doesn't work.

It's very easy to get distracted by this other life. This party life. One that I never really ever lived. As much as I didn't like parts of it, others I really enjoyed. I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm beautiful. And people notice.

As I've gotten older, as I'm becoming this person that I actually want to be, my confidence is threw the roof. Some would say borderline egomaniac. I've never felt better about myself. I look good, I feel good, I'm doing well in school, I'm becoming what I want to become, I'm doing what I want to do. And it's hard not to enjoy the attention of people who notice that.

I've been funny my whole life and I've always been an honest person. And for the first time, I've been able to harness that humor, and that honesty and you add a beautiful face and a rocking body to the mix holy crap I am an all-star. I can not be beat. People enjoy me. People enjoy being around me. And I eat that up. I love being the center of attention. I love people noticing how great I am. So, when I was going out to the bars it was that fill for me, it was exactly what I needed. It was the confirmation that yes, you are everything that you think you are.

So, where does that leave us?

At this point in the game, I have two choices.

Recommit myself to my marriage. Or walk.

By, not drinking, by not going out I feel like this is my way of re-committing myself to this marriage.

I feel like it's more than obvious, via my blogs, or anyone who speaks to me on a regular basis that my head is somewhere else. It's not in this. And, that's not fair. It's not fair to Snoshua, it's not fair to Issy and really it's not fair to me. I'm doing everyone a disservice by not giving this marriage all that I have.

Am I saying that by not drinking and not going out that everything will be good, everything will magically change and become all that it's supposed to be? No, hell no. I don't know that. But, I am saying this my attempt to see. Like a science experiment.

By doing this, I know that if things are still bad. If I still feel like I feel today, or yesterday or last week then, maybe I'm not as crazy as I feel like I am. And, maybe I do need to reassess the situation. And that's ok.

	http://www.wordinfo.info/words/images/marriage-thoughts.gif
	HA!

Since writing, what we will now refer to as "The Blog" a lot of buzz has been running around the grapevine.

"So, did you hear that Jes is unhappy in her marriage? Is she going to leave him? Can you believe it? What a mess!"

Ha, all I guess, justifiable responses to The Blog.

But, the thing that I have yet to wrap my tiny little brain around is this idea that you aren't allowed to talk about it.

If you're having problems in your marriage, you're not allowed to talk about them. You're not allowed to openly admit that maybe the hand you're playing isn't the best one. You must, going ahead with my card playing theme, bluff.

Anyone who has ever played poker with me will you tell, I rarely bluff. Again, anyone who knows me at all, knows that I am about one of the worst liars on the planet. I can't do it. I have more than a handful of tells that gives me away immediately. Mostly, when I start busting out laughing, it's a good sign I'm probably lying to you.

Keeping secrets, or keeping things inside, it's just not what I'm good at. I need to talk about it, I need to write about it. I need to speak to people who gets it. People who understand. I need that feedback to make me feel normal. Even if I'm not.

Ok, granted was my blog the best place to "air it out"? Maybe not. But, again I say...why not? What's the problem here? Why is this such a big deal? Why do my feelings, or anyone elses for that matter have to be hidden, or private?

Unlike most people, I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed by the fact that things are a little rough right now. I feel like that's apart of life. That's apart of growing up, it's apart of making big choices. Sometimes those choices are wrong, sometimes those choices end up being more different than you thought. Big deal. Who cares? At least you gave it a shot. At least you tried. Is it better to married and lost then to have never married at all?

I think there's this pressure, maybe self inflicted that makes people think, marriage has to be perfect. Especially when it's as new as mine. What do you mean you haven't experienced a honeymoon period?? What do you mean you're not loving every single minute of it?? Rarely when I speak to other married people do they have an open honest answer about how marriage really is. (Unless they're divorced then they have plenty to say!)

It's that dreaded word...Divorce. (Dundundun!!!) That makes them say "YIKES!". As if being divorced is something only a handful of people have experienced.

I for one, am all about divorce. I love that we have them, I support them 100 percent. I think people should get as many as they feel they need to get.

And maybe that's my problem. If I had this mind set that divorce wasn't an option would I handle things differently? Am I possibly taking my marriage to lightly? Maybe.
Am I throwing in the towel and calling it a game? Not likely.

The go to answer when people talk about marriage is...Marriage is tough. It's hard work. Yes, I'm aware. Thank you. All relationship, in my opinion, are hard work. But, what makes marriage so much harder?  

Is it really hard work? Or, with any other relationship (be it with family, friends, or lover) just hard? In the same way that life is hard?

Enlighten me kids.
Enlighten me.