Barbara Martin CEO of Heartly House

Although substance abuse often makes the frequency and severity of abuse increase due to lower inhibitions or the overriding need to ?feed? the addiction, allow me to stress the distinction that substance abuse is not a cause of domestic violence, but rather, can be a co-existing factor.

Although our specific work hasn?t held up to your initial assumption that a majority of DV can be tracked back to those causes, your question about the appropriateness and efficacy of treatment at home or through institutions is an interesting policy debate. Having enough resources/treatment facilities both in patient and out patient to respond to the needs of folks with those issues would be a plus for our community.

Criminal Law § 3-803 states that ?a person may not follow another in or about a public place or maliciously engage in a course of conduct that alarms or seriously annoys the other: (1) with the intent to harass, alarm, or annoy the other; (2) after receiving a reasonable warning or request to stop or on behalf of the other; and (3) without a legal purpose.? Note that course of conduct means ?a persistent pattern of conduct, composed of a series of acts over time, that shows a continuity of purpose.?

If the abuse your wife is subjected to falls within that pattern, to prevent any future ?verbal abuse, ? your wife should send the abuser a no contact letter so that if she is verbally assaulted again, the abuser?s act would be harassment

To answer whether the husband?s constitutional rights were violated, all of the court orders for the Protective Order (i.e. the Petition, Interim, Temporary, and/or Final), the Separation Agreement should be reviewed by an attorney, along with Chief Dine?s letter.

Complaints for unethical activities of attorneys can be reported to the Attorney Grievance Commission of Maryland, (410) 260-3635 www.courts.state.md.us/cpf.

Certainly we can look toward what is known as the "cycle of violence," a fairly predictable course of events that can be described in three phases: a tension building phase, an abusive incident, and a "honeymoon phase."

Now, within this pattern, two things are fairly predictable.... that first, the length of time that is taken to run through the cycle will predictably shorten (from perhaps as long as a year initally to much much shorter periods of time between abusive occurances to sometimes as short as several cycles in a day or two.

And second, most commonly the level of violence will increase. Although I'm not going to begin to "rank order" which violence is more detrimental, I mean that the type of violence used generally increases in intensity. For example, an earlier assault may be verbally insulting the victim. As the abuser finds success in using those insults to overpower and control his (or her.... DV victims can be either gender. Because most of our clients are female, though, from this point on, I'll use the female pronoun) parter, he moves up to more intense forms... to pushing or restraining, for example, or on to slapping and punching.

Simply put, there generally has been some type of an increasing pattern within the relationship, though it may not always be acknowledged, or even understood, by the victim. Oftentimes when a caller contacts our hotline for the first time, its this very discussion that can help someone begin to understand what may be developing.

As time allows this morning, I'd also like to take a few minutes to review the power and control wheel, a research tested model of reviewing the different types of violence beyond physical.

Within some broad categories, some examples include: INTRUSION: Constantly asks you where you are going, who you are with, etc. ISOLATION: Insists that you spend all or most of your time together, cutting you off from friends and family. POSSESSION AND JEALOUSY: Accuses you of flirting/having sexual relationships with others; monitors your clothing/make-up. NEED FOR CONTROL: Displays extreme anger when things do not go his way; attempts to make all of your decisions. UNKNOWN PASTS / NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN: Secretive about past relationships; refers to women with negative remarks, etc. Now, here are some more specific and concrete actions or experiences that can be warning signals:

1. Was or is abused by a parent.

2. Grew up in a home where an adult was abused by another adult.

3. Gets very serious with boyfriends/girlfriends very quickly ? saying ?I love you? very early in the relationship, wanting to move in together or get engaged after only a few months, or pressuring partner for a serious commitment.

4. Comes on very strong, is extremely charming and an overly smooth talker.

5. Is extremely jealous.

6. Isolates partner from support systems ? wants partner all to themselves, and tries to keep partner from friends, family or outside activities.

7. Attempts to control what partner wears, what she/he does or who she/he sees.

8. Is abusive toward other people, especially mother or sisters if he is a male.

9. Blames others for one?s own misbehavior or failures.

10. Has unrealistic expectations, like expecting partner to meet all of ones needs and be the perfect partner.

11. Is overly sensitive ? acts ?hurt? when not getting one?s way, takes offense when others disagree with an opinion, gets very upset at small inconveniences that are just a normal part of life.

12. Has ever been cruel to animals.

13. Has ever abused children.

14. Has ever hit a boyfriend or girlfriend in the past.

15. Has ever threatened violence, even if it wasn?t a serious threat.

16. Calls partner names, puts him/her down or curses at him/her. 17. Is extremely moody, and switches quickly from being very nice to exploding in anger.

18. If a male, believes women are inferior to men and should obey them.

19. Is intimidating, for example using threatening body language, punching walls or breaking objects.

20. Holds partner against his/her will to keep him/her from walking away or leaving the room.

If you?d like to learn more, please call the Heartly House hotline at 301-662-8800. If your sister would like more information or an opportunity to talk about her situation, encourage her to call us as well.

That said, every service that Heartly House offers to Frederick County residents is available to both genders, and men have used all of our services throughout time. As I think back, I think its accurate to say that the percentage of men contacting us has grown slightly, perhaps as it becomes more and more acceptable in our society to discuss DV in general, and for men to come to us as well. In the most recent year stats are available - FY07, 96 percent of DV callers are female. Because of that ratio, our work will be focused toward the majority, but I know that our sensitivity toward men is important to all of our staff.

At our agency, we attempt to make our environment as comfortable for everyone as possible, sometimes meeting off-site, for example, if the setting may be more comfortable for a male. Our agency contracts with several males to assist us in group settings where clients may be more comfortable with a male facilitator.

Please encourage your friend to utilize our hotline at 301-662-8800.

The reason that I am writing to you is to offer my help if I may. I want to help other women who are like I was. If there is anything that I can do to help these women, please let me know. Thank you.

MARTIN:It sounds like you have come a long way since those three years, and I'd like to make a few comments on some of the very familiar patterns and beliefs you shared here.

- You mentioned that at the time, you sometimes wished that the assault would just happen, to get it over with. This is not at all unique, and when we at Heartly House discuss the cycle of violence (which has been written about in this series, too), we include that very point....that during the phase in which tensions are building, there is often a sense of 'walking on eggshells," of wishing that this phase would just pass already. (Typically, this is followed by another abusive incident, and then a ?honeymoon period,? with the cycle repeating on shorter and shorter time periods.

- Your ex-husband came through a dysfunctional childhood. Reseach has shown over and over again that one of the indicators (or warning signals) of a potentially abusive partner is that s/he grew up in an abusive household him/herself. Generational cycles of abusive behaviors are of course not an absolute, but are frequent enough to be identified as worth noting. Even if a child does not become an abuser in adult relationships, he certainly has not grown up observing healthy and equal relationships involving mutual respect and support, and so may not have learned healthy relationship skills.

- Reseach has shown that alcohol releases inhibitions, and therefore may be a companion to abuse, but it is not a cause.

- Those who are victims and survivors of domestic violence, either themselves or within a family where violence was present, are eligible for services at Heartly House. Children who have been impacted by what they have seen in their houses can be victimized, too, and we welcome the opportunity to help whomever we can whose lives have been affected by violence.

Thank you for sharing your story. That in itself is another opportunity for others to realize that they are not alone, and that life can get better.

We are attempting to find what we can learn from some of these incidents through the formation of the Frederick County Fatality Review Team, a group spanning many of the agencies, organizations and institutions who may have interacted with the victims, abusers and families, in hopes of identifying system improvements, such as earlier interventions or additional supports to victims. This group will release an annual report sharing the lessons that we have learned, and our recommendations of how to reduce fatalities and near-fatalities.

You also commented on the fact that many of the murders this past year occurred after the women had left their abuser: clearly, the point in which a victim decides to leave an abusive situation is known to be one of the most volatile points within the relationship, and that makes sense if we think it through: Since the DV relationship is based upon a pattern of unequal use of power and control by one partner over another, its this time when the victim has taken steps to break that control that the abuser begins to realize that what has worked in the past is no longer working, and he may frantically increase in intensity the methods that had been so successful, in his mind.

Statistically, its at the point of separation that the risk of the most violence, including murder, occurs.

Law enforcement officers know that DV calls can be among the most dangerous of calls they may take, since these calls are such flashpoint moments. We at Heartly House know in our hearts that the ability to safely shelter women and children at the point in which they face risk of serious injury, has literally saved lives. Sadly, not always, but our and our client's successes are all important.

Even today this man whom still lives in Frederick,is always in trouble with the law,it seems when I on the net at the post, there's his name. I know other women have suffered as well. I thank-you and everyone for working together, and getting the word out. Thanks for Listening.

MARTIN:Thanks for your comments. The world has changed in many ways since the 1970's, starting with something as simple and basic as acknowledgement that there is indeed such a thing as domestic violence. (When Heartly House's successor organization, the Frederick County Battered Spouses Program, began in the late 1970's, that need to document the existence of abuse in Frederick County was its first goal. It's almost hard to imagine, now, that there was even a question.)

As a result of movements such as this, there have been systems and institutional improvements regarding how to respond to and support victims and survivors. In that context, we have come a long way. From another perspective, we have much more left to work on behalf of victims.... to try to understand, support, intervene, represent and prevent.

We are always in need of volunteers to help here in Frederick County, in a wide variety of ways, and hope that those so inspired will call us.

Some people will be helped in breaking that cycle through outside influences.... a caring adult who helps them model healthier behaviors and skill building in healthy relationships.

Other means may be through group activities. Heartly House, for example, co-facilitates a number of groups on age-appropriate topics through the Frederick County Public Schools system, and we also offer groups for children who have witnessed domestic violence in their homes. And of course, some people are able to recognize and find healthier ways to proceed into adulthood on their own.

It can happen; it does happen.

While we know that we cannot stop all murders, we hope that through safety planning, sheltering and proactive work like the fatality review I mentioned above, we can keep more abused people safe.

I wanted you to know this is a real situation. This happened about 4 years ago. We continue to argue occasionaly as couples do. I continue to take care of her at home.

MARTIN:You share that your wife has a number of physical challenges, and I certainly wish her and you well in managing her health.

I believe that, in general, the response that you got from the police officer responding to the 911 call generating from your home four years ago may not play out in quite the same casual way today, as all of the systems concerned about citizen or victim safety? providers, law enforcement, legal and judicial institutions?.. continue to give ever increasing credence to place safety as the highest priority above all others.

Law enforcement officers have a difficult and challenging responsibility to make good decisions, often with limited information available at the moment.

There is no doubt that in some cases, their determination to assure safety first may be erring on the side of caution, but in the context of potentially ongoing abuse or worse, I think we as a society would prefer that.

Heartly House does not offer anger management, but we do offer a program for abusers who, either through court order or through a desire on their own, can learn appropriate behaviors and stop abusing their partners. Interested individuals can call our hotline at 301-662-8800 to inquire about this 26 week program.

The reason I wanted to make the distinction is to make clear that the field does not consider a domestic violence abuser to have an "anger management problem." To the contrary, many abusers have very good control of their anger, thankyouverymuch. What they do have, though, is a very plannedway of controlling their partner's behaviors. They tried intimidation and violence, and in that relationship...it worked! And so it continues.

Lets look at other opportunities that abuser may have to "lose control":

I am certain that if neighbors call 911 in that situation, many abusers run their fingers through their hair and take a calming breath before responding, "Why no, officer, there's no problem here."

Pretty good control, right?

The same might be true if he becomes angry at his boss: I suspect that he doesn't resort to violence or abuse to keep his boss under control.

While there is no simple solution to this, that very real hurdle is part of the reason that Heartly House offers transitional housing to some of our clients. Those who have made the decision to leave an abusive relationship, and who are putting together other resources, financial, emotional and logistic, may be able to work with us for 6 to 24 months on a viable plan, and stay at our scattered site housing at a subsidized rate, making it much more likely that they do not have to return to an abusive or unsafe situation soley for economic reasons.

There are other organizations that also work with women, men or famillies struggling with the financial and logistical problems you've mentioned... Advocates for Homeless Families and Hope Alive are two such groups, and there are others as well. A call to 211 may be able to generate more options.

While there has been some level of progress in establishing parity among men and women societally, there is still much victim blaming, downplaying and minimizing that I suspect may not be acceptable were its victims the same gender as most of the people in positions of authority.

A second important source of funding comes from private and corporate foundation and philanthropic sources..... that is, grants.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly as governmental and foundation giving face challenges too, is support from individual donors. At Heartly House, we ask for support from folks in a number of ways... though direct mail, through attendance at our special events, or through offered support via church or community groups, as examples.

The Frederick County community has been incredibly supportive of Heartly House over our 29 years here, and I'm glad that I was able to slip in a "thank you!" to you all.