Coronavirus has reared its ugly head in Maryland, so it’s a perfect time to stop the archaic custom of shaking hands.
Shaking hands is disgusting. When you shake someone’s hand, you are exchanging sweat, skin flakes, body oil, and any viruses and bacteria you or they have acquired over the past 24 hours or so. You aren’t just shaking hands with that person; you are shaking hands with every person they have shaken hands with recently. If you still must shake hands with someone, at least have them sign a document stating the handshake is consensual and for your own safety, use protection like a latex glove or plastic bag.
Shaking hands is judgmental. I am a middle-aged man. (Editor’s correction: Change “middle-aged” to “elderly”; I know the writer.) Men used to be judged by how good a provider they were. Today’s men are judged by how big a tip they leave or what they thought of Jennifer Lopez’s halftime costume and of course, how firm their handshake is. Who decided a firm handshake was manly? Maybe when handshakes served a practical purpose, the person with the weak handshake conserved just enough energy to emerge victorious in the upcoming hand-to-hand combat.
There are only two groups of people you should be having voluntary physical contact with: your spouse, because they’re your spouse, and your grandchildren, because they’re just too adorable not to hug and kiss. You can add your own kids to this list, but if you do, you may be depriving your children of their later enjoyment of blaming you for all their adult issues because you weren’t affectionate enough during their formative years.