If you read my column this time last year, you know Halloween irritates me. But since Thursday is Halloween, I guess I’d be remiss to not write anything about it.
It’s a great holiday for children, but I don’t know why adults feel the need to celebrate it. I’ve been scrolling through photos all week looking at people dressed up in terrible costumes several days before the holiday even came up on the calendar.
I don’t get it, but do your thing, guys. This column is less about the dressing up several days ahead of time and more about the lack of originality in costumes.
I mean, c’mon, a vampire? Seriously?
So if you’re struggling for a costume idea, here I am to bring you a list of the best, non-offensive, costume ideas: Frederick edition.
The logo. No, not the current logo. THAT logo. The one that had the city of Frederick on edge and near riots. Just paint your legs green, your arms red, your torso yellow and your upper body blue and walk around with your neck hooked to the left all night. If no one dresses up as the Frederick’s biggest governmental disaster of 2019 then I’ve lost faith in all of you.
One of our famous athletes. Frederick has been lucky enough to be home to some pretty great athletes. The most obvious one being Minnesota Vikings legendary running back and should-be Hall of Famer Chuck Foreman. Now it could be a costly venture to find a full set of football gear, but totally worth it if you ask me. If you’re looking for something less expensive, you could be hometown pitcher Branden Kline, an Orioles reliever and Thomas Johnson graduate, or fellow TJ grad, Terence Morris, who played at University of Maryland before going on to a solid career in the NBA. Or, you can get yourself a skort, a blonde wig and a sports bra and you could be Frederick’s resident ninja and stuntwoman, Jessie Graff from American Ninja Warrior. Just don’t try to jump from building to building during your downtown bar crawl. Just because you dress as a badass stunt woman doesn’t mean you are one.
The clustered spires. This one will be a little more difficult than the logo to pull off, but for the big Frederick fans out there, what’s better than celebrating Halloween by dressing up as Frederick’s most iconic image? If you really want to celebrate Frederick as opposed to making fun of its 2019 faux pas, this is the way to go. It’s also a great costume idea, because it’s a group costume, and group costumes are the best Halloween ideas. Just get four or five of your closest friends and figure out how to make your heads look like a church steeple and people will be posing for photos with you guys all night.
The water tower. Another one that’s relatively difficult, but also an iconic Frederick landmark. You can put a large cylindrical box around your head and paint “The City of Frederick Maryland” on it. Maybe this one is better in theory than in practice.
Keyote. Everyone’s favorite mascot, Keyote is a child-friendly mascot and he looks cool. It is slightly meta to dress up in a costume as someone who is also dressed up in a costume. This one may again be better in theory than practice, given it’s probably mighty hot in that thing, and difficult to enjoy a tasty cold beverage. But if you show up to your Halloween party dressed as Keyote, I guarantee you’ll be the talk of the night.
Mayor Michael O’Connor. Wear a suit and some glasses. Go to the party with the logo, and then make the logo go home at 9 p.m. to never be seen again.
Follow Allen Etzler on Twitter: @AllenWEtzler.